What I Live For: The Outlandish Conversations

A lot of unconventional topics usually come up in the conversations I have with people. One of my favorite things to talk about are the things that people usually find uncomfortable to talk about because it's not "normal" talk. Those who don't speak the unspoken are unquestionably missing out. I've compiled some otherwise unexpressed material that I spend most of my time thinking about - and shamelessly doing. Without further ado, the following are the most compelling topics of conversation I've discussed:

(Warning: I like to come up with names for the shit I do. I have also provided a gif for each topic.)


1. Nude Patrolling: walking around your habitat naked (or close to it), while there is looming a threat of someone walking in on you. It's almost like I live for the thrill of it. Your body is your sacred and secret temple. The thought of someone walking in on me naked scares the shit out of me, but I think that's why I do it. If this lucky intruder is someone I don't really know or care about, then even better. I'm not just breaking the ice; I'm melting the fucking glaciers with that encounter.

2. Midnight Snacking and the inevitable self-loathing to follow. I am the most guilty person of this act. Snacking the way I do is almost like self-betrayal, but the regret doesn't come until about 30 minutes after I've eaten. I could eat half a pizza a night. I don't. But I am fully capable. I could declare myself a shnafter (hybrid of the words "shifty" and "snacker") for how I go about obtaining food and how often I commit body treason. I also have an amazing shnafter radar. I can tell who midnight snacks and who doesn't - without solely considering demographic, though most have kankles or a wicked ass. (Now, I am unable to disclose which one of those I categorize myself as, but I can say that it's the better-sounding one of the two). How I can really tell is by how lethargic a person is by 3:30 PM. Those who midnight snack think a lot about what they eat during the day. Most eat 2 meals and then say to themselves, "Well, I've only eaten two meals today, I have wiggle room", and then proceed to eat a three-course "snack". I sincerely consider myself a gremlin-type species, I shouldn't eat after midnight. However, when I do, I turn into a hideous reptilian version of myself that, in order to cease my gluttony, must be slammed in a microwaved and blown up.

3. Toilet mayhem. No toilet paper and the makeshift wipes. Foreign toilet seats and the fear of STD's on them. -That's about as far as that conversation will go with acquaintances. You could talk about this toilet stuff all day with your real friends.

4. Punching vending machines. This is something everyone totally regrets doing afterward. If someone sees you, they're telling their friends later. (Usually, in the case that you're in the presence of another, you punch embarrassingly pathetically on purpose because you just want to look frustrated, not crazy, but you just end up looking like a crazy weak person). If you're alone, you might end up breaking the vending machine because you're really hungry and you just wasted $1.25. Also you feel like a bad ass and kind of hope some hot person walks into the room while you're doing it and acts mildly impressed. You just want to feel like Bender from The Breakfast Club when you hit a machine, not like a 90's teenage boy with a middle part.

5. Stepping over boundaries on accident and pretending you meant to get there. I always say something about appearance or personal traits that the person I'm speaking to has. I always end up admitting I didn't mean to and apologize. Or I never talk to them again. Ex: You make a joke about chlamydia and that person has it. Bad example. But everyone can relate to this topic.

Oh. God.

6. The subconscious "hope" no one talks about whenever you cross the street that a car will hit you, but you really actually hope you don't get hit. This might sound really strange, but everyone that I've talked to about this one feels the same way. Crossing the street is a big risk, and for some reason, we're all waiting for something to go wrong with it.

(Don't Google "hit by a car".....you can't unsee anything)

7. Writing on someone else' dry erase board. Here at Central, there are a lot of dry-erase boards on the outside of dorm doors. What's really dumb about this is that negligent people leave the marker out with it. The owner of the board usually writes something cute or inspirational on it, but all it takes is a word swap to ruin a quote. Ex: "Just keep swimming :)" >> "Just butt swimming :)". I've also heard and seen some great thing people write on these things. I do this a more than I should, and I've been lucky; no one's opened their door on me yet.

8. Using effect/affect in a paper. Here is the truth about this: no one really knows the difference - not even my English teachers here in college could tell you which one to use. All I know is that E-ffect has been right for me every time. So just choose effect every time, you're really running a lower risk. (But honestly, affect is a verb and effect is a noun).

9. Following someone you think you may know. It takes a lot to keep up, but also stay a safe distance in case you're wrong. Trying to identify someone by the back of their head, their butt, and the way they walk is near impossible. Once you have no idea, you sort of pass them. Maybe they'll recognize you instead.

10. Laundry: On thin ice. Two pairs of panties. One pair of only slightly-worn jeans. One shirt. Two bucks to wash the approximately four loads of laundry you have to do. Impossible? I've seen (done) worse!! Every college person who tells you they haven't at one time or another washed pits or undies in the sink is lying, because all of us spend tons of money on useless things and leave little to no cash for laundry.

 

11. Knowing the same song as someone else, but only vaguely. You've heard it 2 or 3 times and your friend is trying to get you to sing it with them. At some point you'll have to stop and say you have no fucking idea what this is, or you keep going and they'll remember you mouthing incorrect lyrics as they're laying down for bed. And they'll laugh. Or cringe. Depending on how ridiculousness of your enthusiasm to mask your lack of knowledge.

12. Play Date Panic. You'll be spending the night at someone's dorm or apartment. What do you bring and how will you avoid greasy hair? HA. You WON'T.

13. Can't Comeback At Ya. Yelling at something that can't yell back. Usually these are inanimate objects. Sometimes their pets. Public-display-okay? Or not? Though I have talked to a lot of people about this topic, there are still mixed reviews. To be determined.

 

14. Leaving your clothes in the bathroom. Sara knows how many days you've worn that bra this week, now. But you won't lead anyone on to your bi-weekly bra schedule. Some people think this is really gross. I personally think it's disgusting, but I am so guilty of this I can't even say anything about it. I feel gross looking at my own clothes. When it's someone else' though, the alien panties make me uncomfortable, and then I get to wondering how long they were worn and if they have diseases in them and how do I avoid stepping on them when entering and exiting the bathroom.

 

15. Febrezing clothes will never equal washing them. Even though the commercials tell you it's like that because they "wash" mattresses with Febreeze, your stinky jeans will retain freshness until you sit down again, and you end up forbidding yourself to stand up until anyone near you has left. Just wash your clothes. I know it sucks 'cause you have to actually do something and pay attention so no one else gets mad at you and steals your clothes, but just do it. You'll thank yourself.

16. Letting someone use your computer. There are SO MANY things to be afraid of when you're letting someone borrow your computer. Old weird or ugly selfies that you keep "just in case". Some guilty pleasure songs that are considered bad by the majority. Facebook stalking revealed if you forgot to close the browser or log out. The fact that you play the Sims - revealed. Torrented bad movies just because they were romantic comedies and you were feeling kind of lonely. Some word documents you wrote to your friends when you were upset. That one time you looked up porn because you were curious about the hype - but you swear you just skimmed through it! Too many risks are involved in sharing electronic devices, so I just tell people my computer is a piece of shit, or it's just broken altogether. I've also heard a lot of break-up stories involved with finding weird things on computers - so I just avoid it (relationships and computers - no heartbreaks, no danger of embarrassment).

 

So next time you're given the opportunity, make a conversation worth it.

Something that I've never done before:

HOLD A POISONOUS ANIMAL

One last though to entertain:

    Some people have a condition where their ears are the same size as their hands. It's called audiphelangioplasia. That's bull shit. I just made that up, there is no such thing as that. It's kind of fun to come up with improbable human conditions. Like hand feet or gills.

Night.